My Next Life by Woody Allen

This appealed to me; it was sent to me by my good friend, Edwina.  As a young woman it would never have occurred to me that I might want to slow time down.  As a midlife woman, however, the idea of going backwards is very appealing.  Maybe this will also strike a chord with other middle-aged men and women out there.

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I’ve broken my spectacles. Again.

Anyone who has to wear glasses the whole time will understand how frustrating it is.  I have no idea how I’ve broken them, especially as they spend most of every day propped on my nose.

Husband says I broke them because I threw them off in a moment of passion.  I can believe I removed them for that particular moment of passion; most spectacle wearers would.  Being naked necessitates the removal of spectacles, for sure.  But I can’t believe that I “threw” them off; they’re far too expensive for that.

Anyway, they are broken.  Regardless of the circumstances.  And I need to get them fixed.  Quickly.  Because I cannot adequately see what I’m doing without them.

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Christmas starts on 18th December and not before

The first Christmas card of 2009 fell on to our doormat this morning.  The very kind sender was very considerately wishing our family a “Very Merry Christmas” and a “Happy New Year”.  I’m not being ungrateful, really I’m not, but I’ve filed it.  Until it becomes relevant.

Well, I can hardly put it up on the window sill, now can I?  It’s November 21^st for God’s sake.

I’m still in late summer / early autumn mode if I’m honest.  You know – fluffy socks some days, bare feet on others.  And winter’s not officially with us until December 21^st.

For me, Christmas should begin one week before and last until January 2^nd, maximum.  My friends keep asking, “Are you all sorted for Christmas?” No, actually, I’m not, and I’m not going to be for a while yet.  I’ll get sorted for Christmas, when it’s Christmas.

Bah humbug?  No, definitely not.  Christmas is a wonderful time of year.  But should it take up weeks and weeks beforehand?   No!  I’m really busy with other more important things.

In my view those lovely well-wishing people who send Christmas cards in November clearly do not have enough going on in their lives.  Christmas starts on 18^th December and not before.

Signed:  Busy, grumpy, midlife writer

P.S. Have to say, though, I did come across this whilst writing the post.  I absolutely love it because it’s light-hearted, bright and happy.  Think I’ll send something similar this year (but not until 18th!).

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The Horrors – “Whole New Way”

more about “The Horrors – “Whole New Way”“, posted with vodpod

I love new music, and although it could be argued that this track, Whole New Way from The Horrors,  is not exactly “new music” as it’s been out for a while, it’s very new to this midlife music follower.  I’m lucky enough to know a young man called Jonny Silcock who can always be relied upon to find the latest new music.  For any other keen midlife new music followers, you too can access Jonny’s latest finds by listening to him here: http://www.mixcloud.com/tag/chibe/

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I Am Woman, Hear Me… Never Mind

I want to be a man.  If only so I can feel good about myself when reading magazines.

I’m a smart, confident woman.  I subscribe to the Atlantic Monthly and Vanity Fair so I can stay abreast of liberal politics and sit in my “garden-level” apartment pretending to be an elitist, East Coast blueblood.  Lately though, I’ve been keeping up with women’s magazines for blog ideas.  And I gotta tell you, reading them makes you feel like dog doo.

First are all those supermodels and actresses with their awesomely toned bodies, shiny hair and perfect skin.  Their photos are surrounded by tips on how we can achieve the look as if none of us have jobs or families to attend to.  Did you know Jennifer Aniston had two rice cakes and a teaspoon of peanut butter for breakfast?  When she wants to splurge, she eats bread.  Wild woman.

Women have been kvetching about the impossible beauty standards set by ladies’ mags for ages.  But to me, the articles are the killers.  In the past month alone, I’ve found out my hair is unsexy (because it’s curly), stress may cause infertility and men’s midlife crises now start at thirty-five.  I read an advice column that screamed, “Help!  My Internet Boyfriend’s a Bisexual Cross Dresser” and another offering, “5 Signs You’re a Bad Co-Worker”.  And I thoroughly enjoyed reading the masterpiece, “Why I Stole My Best Friend’s Guy”.  As if skyrocketing unemployment and endless wars aren’t scary enough.  Now we have to fear our best gals mackin’ on our dudes.

‘Course, in these mags, men are a bunch of selfish, untrustworthy hound dogs who either game-play their way into women’s undies or must be manipulated into relationships.  “Make Him Stay” and “Why Men Cheat” are constant titles, while the slew of articles meant to guide women through human relationships could be summed up by the headline, “Ten Things Women Do to Screw Up Their Relationships (and, basically, their lives…idiots)”.

The best article this week was a stunning piece of investigative journalism entitled, “Did You Know Your Vagina Can Fall Out of Your Body?”  Must be one of those secrets the medical industry keeps from us.  I can only imagine the conversations that’ll now take place across the nation: “You hear about Gwendolyn?  She was running to catch a bus and her vagina just popped right on out!”

Ladies, we’re doomed.  If you believe women’s magazines, we’re all a bunch of horribly unfit, unlikable, deathly ill losers who no one will ever love.  And we can’t trust anyone.  Not men, not our friends and certainly not ourselves.

Keeping oneself centered in the midst of life’s challenges is quite a feat, though usually I stay fairly balanced.  But now I find myself asking, “why don’t I look like an oiled-up Eva Mendes in my Calvin Klein skivvies?  Will the sunflower seeds I eat be linked to a healthier heart or leprosy?  And who really cares if stress causes sterility if your vagina’s gonna fall out anyway?”

Ah, but men’s magazines.  What beacons of hope!  What tidings they bring of reassurance and good cheer!

There’s Maxim, an orgiastic handbook of gadgets, cars, sports and half-naked starlets.  Maxim is like a guy’s frat brother urging him to have another beer (it won’t kill you), and offering tips on how to sneak out of the house or get his girl to shave everything “down there”.

Then there’s Esquire.  I enjoy this one because their well-written articles treat readers as if they might have brains.  Tailored suits, expensive watches, fancy cars, high-end scotch and disrobing A-list actresses – Esquire’s world of men rocks.  No matter how chubby, boring or unsuccessful a guy is, reading it will make him believe he’s awesome.  They present cover boys like Matt Damon and Bill Clinton as buddies, and offer comforting words for men’s failings.  Romantic ineptitude, professional failure, erectile dysfunction – no worries, Esquire’s got your back.

Reading the October issue, “The Feel Good Issue”, left me positively glowing.  Even before you open the darn thing, they’re already throwing roses at your feet.  The headlines on the cover offered readers the “Sexiest Woman Alive”, “Encouraging Words from President Clinton” and finished off with a “You Look Great, By the Way”.  Sure beats Shape’s, “Scary Truth about Germs”.

Inside was a “Box of Permanent Joy” which included ‘70s sitcoms and Mahler symphonies.  There was “A Guide to – and Celebration of – the Ablutions, Unguents, and Bathroom Rituals that Make Us Men”.  Wow, even their grooming practices are worth celebrating.

Really, I love being a woman.  Though I love peeking into the world of men, I prefer taking on life as a female.  I only wish my magazines liked me as much as I like myself.

This post is reproduced with the kind permission of Laura Warrell, Tart and Soul.  To enjoy further snippets of Laura’s work click the link below:

http://tartandsoul.com

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Annie Got Her Gun

Today’s blog post, in this public journal about my midlife journey, is about that hot topic: Sex. I am sure the spam block is going to be busy on this one. At least, I hope it is.

It is also about a new piece of jewellery I crafted today, which I have entitled “Annie Got Her Gun.”

And just how (you ask), am I going to tie these two topics together in one post? Well, gentle reader, let me tell you….

I recently had dinner with a good friend from high school who is dating a guy 15 years her junior. She is gorgeous, fun, smart, accomplished and a warm fuzzy. The guy is lucky. But it got me thinking about the term “cougar”, meaning an older woman who goes out with younger men, and the label makes me angry. Yes, there’s the whole “double standard” issue, but what really ticks me off is that the label is just another not-so-veiled attempt to belittle women’s sexuality and control the subliminal power of an older woman.

This truth is hard to handle for most everyone: Women in their 40’s, 50’s and up are the juiciest of them all. Or at least we are meant to be, if we allow our life’s transitions and changes – physically, mentally and emotionally. There is really no comparison between the sweet young things and their mamas. In terms of authentic juiciness, the mamas win hands down.

This is something that some younger men know. And that is why they are attracted to older women. We don’t carry the angst about things that we did when we were younger and tend to approach life with a great deal of hard won wisdom. It is a powerful and alluring combination.

But what about those of us who are in life-long relationships with spouses who are going through their own mid-life transitions? Men age differently. And their needs are every bit as valid as women’s, but when you are both going through your changes at the same time, you kind of look at each other and say, “I love you but leave me the hell alone, and I hope to see you at the other end…”

And that is why I made “Annie Got Her Gun.”

Because this lady handled her own barrel and won her man at the same time.

The above post is courtesy of Cate F Neely’s  “Heart on My Sleeve – Cate’s Blog”.  You can find her here: http://catefneely.wordpress.com/

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Wanted: canal boat with log fire on board = Mission Impossible

As a result of Sunday’s brisk walk alongside the Chesterfield Canal in bright sunshine, I have spent some considerable time surfing the net looking for a canal boat with a real fire on board.

Quite fancied a weekend break wending gracefully along our waterways with very little traffic or interference, save for a few swans and ducks.  The idea of mooring up at random isolated places for a snooze or to make a meal really appealed to this weary midlifer.  And on our chilly November nights afloat we would be very cosy snuggled up in front of a spitting and sparking log fire, sharing a glass or two or three of good red wine.

One would think that it would be easy to organise this simple midlife short break request.  Many of the boat hire companies offer winter breaks afloat with every conceivable comfort; however the bottom line reality is somewhat different.

Most of Friday would be taken up with training and familiarising ourselves with the mechanics of canal cruising.  Training?  Surely it can’t be that difficult.  And you can only moor up in specified places apparently.  Where’s the freedom in that?  Failure to locate a single available canal boat with a solid fuel fire was the final straw of frustration; my starry-eyed midlife plan for a relaxing weekend break was blown completely out of the water.

It finally occurred to me that we could book a very nice hotel, not floating of course but hey ho; we could have a spacious room (not just 7 feet wide), a hot tub, a huge bed and all mod cons for considerably less cost than the narrowboat idea.  Think we’ll do that and leave the canal boat plan for a summer time adventure.  Besides, all those lock gates look like incredibly hard work.  Hardly be a holiday would it?

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The 7 myths about women over 50

1. Women over fifty don’t care what they look like.
Since two out of the three of us are planning to have our next round of cosmetic surgery, we take exception to this. We now remember with fondness that construction workers used to give us wolf-whistles. We thought it obnoxious then. We miss it now. Women like us drag ourselves to the gym, where we get to compete with twenty-somethings for parking spaces and treadmills. We take Yoga and Pilates, go on diets, run marathons, go on diets, dye our hair, go on diets, get contact lenses, go on diets  We care. A lot.

2.   Women over fifty don’t like sex.
Since one of the three of us is married, this is a touchy subject. The answer is, just let a healthy, willing, attractive male show up in our vicinity and we will be ready. Or, if even two out of three of those categories show up, we will be ready. Actually, “willing” might make up for any other shortfalls, depending on how long it’s been. And just think, since we can’t get pregnant, we can just zip past the pregnancy prevention shelf at the drug store.

3.   Women over fifty find menopause terrible and debilitating.
YES! Menopause is TERRIBLE and DEBILITATING. It ruins our lives. It is the worst thing that has ever been invented in the history of the universe. It is worse than diet ice cream. OK, now that we have acknowledged that, can we please move on? The fact is that two of us didn’t even notice menopause, except that we could also zip right past the sanitary products shelf too. So, menopause exists and we’ll have it for awhile, and then we’ll get over it.

4.   Women over fifty can’t keep up with the times.
Interesting, since women over fifty are the fastest growing group on Facebook. We three have six computers among us. We have and use  PDAs, GPSs, and iPods. We have almost outgrown email, and are Facebooking and twittering. And let’s face it: Without us, a lot of the Help Lines would go out of business.  We may have grown up in the Stone Age, but we have managed to survive into the computer age.

5.   Women over fifty miss our children and only want to be with our grandchildren.
We love and adore our children.  We love and adore our grandchildren.  That’s the only acceptable answer, isn’t it, since this will be in print?  We love them the most when they don’t ask us to baby sit too much.  But seriously, we can love them and still want a life. That’s the bottom line.

6.   Women over fifty fear change.
That’s really funny, since virtually everything about us is changing.  Body parts are moving to different locations or vacating entirely.  Hair is now appearing in places it never was and disappearing from places it used to be. We could go on and on.  So, we say we don’t fear change.  We are, and have been, the movers and shakers of our lives.  Go to any art class and see who is involved in creative pursuit.  Go to yoga or meditation classes to see the same.  Look at the women starting new careers, or the ones running for office.  Check out writing classes, art appreciation classes, cooking classes.  Look at who is doing work in developing countries, starting foundations, traveling the world, raising money for causes, marching for causes. Change? Bring it on! We are well-practiced, and good at it.

7.   Women over fifty are counting the days until retirement.
We agree with this statement. No matter how much we love our careers, we are chomping at the bit to have the time to travel, to explore, to start new businesses, to enroll in college, to volunteer, to write books, to inspire our daughters’ and granddaughters’ generations with the unlimited possibility we have.  We can’t wait to retire so we can see what’s next. We have lived only the first half of our lives and are anxious to see what we will create in the second half.

Reproduced with the kind permission of Renee Fisher  – DC Boomer Humor Examiner

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Anti-Ageing Argan Oil Face Mask – DIY Beauty Treatment

more about “Anti-Ageing Argan Oil Face Mask“, posted with vodpod

Argan oil is rich in Vitamin E and essential fatty acids, it’s fast absorbing and lightweight. Honey and yogurt are also great (and cheap) ingredients to use in any DIY beauty treatment for hydrating and nourishing the skin.

The plant sterols active in argan oil have anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial properties which make it safe for all skin types and can naturally treat acne, eczema and other skin conditions.

This is a DIY beauty mask to add hydration to your skin, neutralize free radicals responsible for aging, and minimize the appearance of fine lines by boosting collagen and elastin.  This DIY beauty treatment is brilliant for middle aged women (tried and tested by this midlife writer!).

Ingredients
1 tsp organic honey (draws and retains moisture)
1 tbsp organic yogurt (skin-nourishing natural fats and lactic acids)
1-5 drops argan oil (rich in Vitamin E, anti-age, reduce inflammation)

Directions
Microwave honey for 10 seconds in a microwave. Mix honey, yogurt, and argan oil in a small bowl. Apply to face, leave on 15 mins and remove with a warm towel.

Video and recipe is courtesy of http://glamology.com

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Noisy British lover loses sex appeal

This story made me laugh out loud, especially when I saw that Caroline Cartwright was 48 years old.  Sounds like this middle aged woman is a proper midlife howler.  Go girl!!

Quote from Yahoo News: A British woman lost her appeal on Tuesday against a ban on her noisy sex sessions, after a court heard how her marathon romps that kept neighbours awake sounded like someone being murdered.

Caroline and Steve Cartwright’s “howling” lovemaking sounded “unnatural”, “hysterical” and “like they are both in considerable pain”, Newcastle Crown Court in northeast England heard.  A 10-minute recording of their sex sessions was played out in court, which also heard how she tried covering her face with a pillow to muffle her cries of passion.

Neighbours at their home in Washington, south of Newcastle, complained about the noise, as did passers-by and the postman.  The couple were banned from “shouting, screaming or vocalisation at such a level as to be a statutory nuisance”, but Caroline Cartwright, 48, appealed under human rights laws against her conviction for breaching the ban.

However, a judge on Tuesday upheld the original conviction and ordered that the banning order should stay.

Caroline Cartwright said she was unable to stop the din.

“I tried to control it. I even tried to use a pillow (over her own face) to try and lessen the noise,” she said.

The judge, Recorder Jeremy Freedman, rejected her claim.

“We are in no doubt whatsoever about the level of noise that can be heard in neighbouring properties, in the street and in the back lane,” he said.

“It certainly was intrusive and constituted a statutory nuisance. It was clearly of a very disturbing nature and it was also compounded by the duration — this was not a one-off, it went on for hours at a time.

“It is further compounded by the frequency of the episode — virtually every night.

“We do not find there is any infringement of her human rights in any shape or form.”

The romps typically started at midnight and lasted several hours, the judge heard.

The couple’s next-door neighbour Rachel O’Connor told court: “It’s just quite unnatural. The noise sounds like they are both in considerable pain.  I cannot describe the noise. Totally excessive and I have never, ever heard anything like it.  I put my television in my bedroom on as loud as it could go and they drown it out.”

The local council set up special equipment in O’Connor’s flat and recorded noise levels of between 30 to 40 decibels, peaking at 47 – as loud as a conversation in the very same room.

Marion Dixon, a council environmental health manager, took notes which said: “I heard a male voice howling loudly, which I felt was very unnerving.”

Her colleague Pamela Spark called the sounds “hysterical, almost continuous, just screaming.  I found it very disturbing and I noted that it sounded like she was being murdered.”

Dixon said when the council confronted the couple, “Mr Cartwright held his head in his hands but Mrs Cartwright seemed to find it quite amusing.”

End of Quote from Yahoo News

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